human pin cushion part 1

I'm on the HMR decision free diet.  Basically this entails consuming a minimum of 5 HMR shakes per day... but you can have more if you'd like... more is better!  It is medically supervised, I see a doctor every week.  They review weight loss, physical activity calories, make sure all your digestive processes are function as well as can be expected (you know, cause you are only eating shakes), and review blood work.

Blood work... Oh, how I loathe thee.

My blood work is fine for the most part.  But lately, my blood has gone on strike.  Uric acid is high, Phosphorous is low, liver enzymes are high.  I don't mind addressing these problems, just keep losing weight, eat more shakes, and drink more water  But the method by which the blood is collected is beginning to annoy me.  Venous blood collection, A phlebotomist inserts a needle into a vein and collects 1-2 vials of blood.  No big deal right?

Wrong, it's a big deal if you have veins like mine... non existent.  I'll tell the story of my first visit to the phlebotomist for HMR.

Back in 2007, I was fat.  So my folks told me about the HMR program.  I signed up and had my induction lab work done.  This particular program was run out of a University.  The vampires' lair lab, was a training ground for future blood suckers phlebotomists.

I signed in, sat in the chair and the blood suckers phlebotomist in training started feeling around the inside of my elbow for some veins on which to feed, skewer, take a blood sample.  She felt around and around but could not find any veins.  Thankfully, the phlebotomist in training new her limitations and didn't stick me.  She called her instructor over for help.  Unfortunately the head vampire Instructor just HAAAAAAAD to show the student how it was done.  She stuck the needle in my arm, certain of the location of the vein... nothing.  She start moving the needle around in my arm in search of the illusive vein... still nothing.  Convinced I had no veins in my left arm, she felt up my right arm and plunge the needle deep, convinced again of the location of a vein... nothing.  She pulled the needle in and out, side to side... yet more nothing. 

The torturer instructor, completely flumoxed by her inability draw blood in any meaningful amount turned to my hands.  First the left.  I have a big juicy vein that rides on top of one of the tendons in my hand.  Great vein, only problem is that it moves around a lot.  I let the instructor know this before she stuck me with her needle.  She brushed aside my warning and the needle plunged into my hand, and she missed the vein... again a whole lot of nothing.  Again, she dug around my hand with her needle.  She gave up and finally went after a semi-decent vein in my right hand.  Eureka!  blood final began to fill the vial, however slowly.  Three vials and 4 band-aids later, I walked out of the torture chamber lab.  I thought that was the last time I'd have to endure the agony of blood draws... but it wasn't... to be continued